“How to Communicate with Confidence - Even with Your Kids!”

Communication is an issue most of us struggle with. We likely didn’t learn communication skills when we were young, and chances are, unless we learn this skill ourselves, we can’t effectively teach it to our kids either.  Even good communicators, have difficulty communicating with some of the people, some of the time.  In addition to not feeling heard, we can be left feeling disconnected from our family and other loved ones.  To be honest, I haven’t always the best at communicating. For many years my method sounded a lot like, “Why can’t you just put your socks away, you always leave them on the floor!  You are so messy!”  This approach has never worked for me and likely won’t work for you either.  Over time, I have figured out a method that does works.  And I’ve noticed that these steps are effective in almost every situation, as long as I implement them before the volcano of arguing begins to erupt.  

First and foremost, know that you are unlikely to communicate well in the heat of the moment.  If the volcano has already begun to erupt, you will get nowhere.  So, step number 1 is to cool down first.  If you are angry and you lash out, you will not be heard- “or you will say hurtful things.  Also, you cannot communicate well when the other person is angry, so be patient and find a time when everyone is calm, cool and collected.

Step 2:  decide on your intention for the conversation.  Know where you want things to go prior to talking, especially if it’s with your kids.  Without an intention, you risk flailing around and getting nowhere.  So, decide.  What do I want the outcome to be?  At the end of this conversation, how do I want to feel, and how do I want the other person to feel?  What do I want to shift?

Step 3:  start by telling the person how much you appreciate them and what they are doing right.  No one will tune you out when you express authentic appreciation.  You are not trying to sugar coat anything here.  Simply show your gratitude, even if it’s just for the fact that they are calm and listening in that moment.  

Step 4:  express how you are feeling about the situation at hand.  Without blaming or accusing, clearly identify the feeling associated with the situation you’re in.  Remember, this is simply a word that describes your feeling about he situation.  “I feel like you are a jerk” is not going to work.  Dig deep!

Step 5:  make a request.  Tell the other person what you need in order to no longer feel the way you are feeling.  Ask nicely and in a calm voice so that they can hear you.  As you make the request, you can also request an agreement from the person that they will do what you have asked.  If they seem angry, consider going back to step one.

Knowing these five steps and putting them into action will create confident communication and help you connect to the people in your life who truly matter.