“How to Parent Each of Your Children with Confidence”
/As parents, we are charged with the task of figuring out how to raise our kids in the best way possible. This would be easy if we had an instruction book on each age, each phase, each child, and each personality type and if we had a useful definition for “best way possible”. However, parenting advice is often conflicting, and family and friends may offer different opinions, based on their own philosophy of child raising. So what is a mom to do…? Well, we do the best we can and hope our babies don’t end up on a therapist’s couch one day-not that there’s anything wrong with that!
After a while maybe, just maybe, we finally think we might have it figured out. And then, some of us crazy people do the unthinkable:…we decide to have more kids! Having done it once you would think you will just handle everything the same way, right? Wrong! Each kid is unique. My three very different daughters with distinct personalities have very different needs. We have to treat each as an individual. Even physically my daughters look very different from each other. It’s tempting - and probably easier- to treat them all the same, but this is a trap. It won’t work, so don’t even try.
Yet as busy stressed out moms, we often have to take the path of least resistance and communicate with our kids in a way that is easy. Often our sentences begin with “Ok, children… or “Kids, I need you to…” We group them all together because this is all we have the time and energy for in the moment. But most of the time we get push-back, or even worse…crickets. When we address our kids all at once, no one hears us. Is it possible to get our point across with each individual child?
My oldest daughter is very sensitive. She is rarely an open book, so I have to be strategic when talking to her. She needs me to be very compassionate, to truly see her, and even to talk about my own experiences as a child. When she feels I can relate, she will open up more.
My middle daughter is a mini lawyer. She will argue about almost anything. Once I say no to something, I cannot falter. If I do, she will bury me under a heap of arguments about why her way is the right way. In our conversations, I have to be very decisive and firm, while give her lots of attention and perceived control.
My youngest is still a mystery to me. In fact, she does not really like to talk about sensitive topics at all. So we have a journal that we use to write to one another. I bought the journal to help us communicate. We trade back and forth and put it on each other’s nightstand when we are done. Our conversation starts flowing only after we have communicated in the journal first and it takes a bit of time and attention to get her there.
My kids are certainly not one size fits all, but even if I had only one child, clearly there is some effort and attention involved in finding the ideal communication style. The only thing that has actually helped me is being confident in my parenting. When I stick to my plan and decisions, leaving no time or room for self-doubt, I feel confident. Comparing myself to the other moms or envying the other mothers’ perfect parenting style is zero percent helpful. When I take the time to discern what feels right for me by looking inward for the answers, doubt and stress evaporate. Only when I am connected to myself can I connect to my children, and this sense of connection and confidence is what every child needs and responds to.
